I Could Die for You

Growing up I was the tail to my two older brothers, Mike & Greg, and followed in their steps from day one. I specially looked up to Greg. He played saxophone, I played saxophone, he was an altar boy, I was an altar girl, he listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers, I love Red Hot Chili Peppers. On April 22, 2007 when Greg was only 22, he committed suicide. This is still the biggest thing I will ever go through. I will never get past it, nor do I want to.  Going through his loss, I fell deeply into music to help me find a way to breathe. There are many artists that alleviated my pain, but there is one band that I can always turn to when I reflect on Greg, and of course, it would be his favorite band - Red Hot Chili Peppers.

In the album, By the Way, a song titled “I Could Die for You” that just screams how Greg and I are now. From the beginning to the end, the song is simply beautiful and caresses the need to still want my big brother around. I place this song as our relationship in the presence of his death; I still believe he is around listening to me and watching me grow. The song starts with:

Something inside the cards
I know is right
Don't want to live
Somebody else’s life
This is what I want to be
And this is what I give to you
Because I get it free
She smiles while I do my time       

This is Greg talking to me about his suicide and his decision to make things right in his life. Greg was a successful young man. By the age of 22, he purchased his first house, earned his journeymen and owned his own electric company, was getting married, and raising a three year old son. This was a lot for him, and everyone was proud of what an amazing person he has become. These lyrics are symbolic to his life in the moments before death, he knew what he wanted, and had to make it right with himself. The reasons are still unknown. At first I wanted to know, but now I don’t see how that brings him back. Then the first part of the chorus comes in with:

I could die for you
Oh this life I choose

This is my reply to Greg; I mean no disrespect to Greg nor harm of myself. I am letting him know I will always miss his laugh, his smile, his love. But I will choose life, and make him proud. I will prove that I will make something out of my life. Greg will never have to feel regret for doing something he felt so sure about. Because of his death, I have figured out the importance of life and what I want to fulfill it with. The second verse follows:

I'm here to be your only go-between
To tell you of the sights
These eyes have seen
What I really want to do is
Turn it into motion
Beauty that I can't abuse
You know that I'd use my senses to
You can see that
It's only everywhere
I'd take it all and then
I'd find a way to share

Greg then shares his stories from the other side in death. He shares his insights, and in turn gives me the senses that he once had, and the ones he now has. He wants to share his past and present with me, and through this song, I feel connected to him. I am able to feel all that he wants to share with open ears and open arms. Greg continues with the first part of the chorus:

Come along and go
Along with me
Wander with me yo
It's all for free

I do wander with Greg, from songs, to visiting him, to just seeing someone that reminds me of him. I enjoy knowing that somewhere, is he there, looking over me, smiling. I then finish the last part of the chorus, then the third verse, followed by the ending with repeated chorus:

I could die for you
Whatchu wanna do
Oh this life I choose

Come again and tell me
Where you want to go
What it means for me
To be with you alone
Close the door and
No one has to know
How we are

Come along and go
Along with me
Wander with me yo
It's all for free

I could die for you
Whatchu want to do
Oh this life I choose

Here, I am breaking down. I am telling him that the memories are not enough, if he could just come back and share this life with me. I let him know that I too feel unable to finish, scared to have feelings of failure, and its okay to feel hurt. We will be there for each other, to help get through this together. Now more than ever, I feel the need to share with him, help him.

This is for my big brother, Greg Aguiar Chaves. You will forever be in my heart, soul, and mind.

Love always,

Cindy