Autorecovery

It’s the pressure in my chest, I can’t release. Looking forward while everyone leaps.

What does the meaning of success bring, when you can’t sleep. I’m looking into a future of anxiety that can’t compete.

Am I sure I want to give this my all? Keeping life in the moments of success while others are enjoying their defeats…struggle for accomplishments that don’t embrace. Why now, I can’t write. I wanted to for so long. Now I have the few moments to shout, to sleep … and I’m stuck with notes that don’t beat.

Times like this keep me inside. Inside is a place that is covered in responsibility. That what? I must repeat until more is too much? Much is overloaded, and then what? I’m finished.

I don’t even know what I am trying to get out. I don’t know where I am. Where this is supposed to be. What happens now. Who takes this on?

It’s the onlookers. They watch, and judge and they find ways to grunt your outs. There is no out to search for; it’s only creating more ways to succeed. That’s why I am here. I’m no ones’ out; I’m no one’s excuse. I’m just here for proof. For integrity. For myself.

That’s not to say, I’m not doing this for someone else. I’m scared this is going to take a lifetime to complete, nervous for the next step. Sometimes I want to go back. When things didn’t matter. When time was plentiful.

Maybe I am the onlooker. Jealous of them. Jealous of their courage. Or wrecked at the thought that I can’t stop. Because if I do, I don’t know where to go.

Bouncing from thought to thought doesn't explain who I am. I’m not trying to, because then I would have answers. Who wants answers to that…then you will always be stuck with them. I don’t want to become stuck with one purpose. I want millions. I want to have ways to escape into a different world and not have to face the consequences. If I am answered, then I have nothing to look forward to.

Reading it out loud is horrifying. Sounds like blue is pouring out. But I thought it was going to be motivational. Keep the forward steps out. Or what if I am pressuring myself to stay back. I know this can’t be right, because I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be shaking, I wouldn't be afraid.

Time is contiguous. It’s trapped the world inside milestones. Not counting those moments when time escapes you. When you find out that time is the only thing pushing you. You have to finish in time, because you don’t know how much you have. Making us feel like we need to jump into a world and fast track where we didn't take the chance. But chance is only that moment in time when you had to make a choice and you couldn't decide. What will be the best for you? What will make your life special?

Special is that moment in your life that you become who you are based from someone else’s. That moment has happened but that doesn't mean it defines the contour of where I stand.

For brief instance, I thought this was gone. Not life, but that thing you keep trying to find. I searched everywhere for it, I was going to start ramping off into an oblivion. But there is such a thing call autorecovery. 

MIA for others, Venerating for me

It was this weekend. Just me. I adored it, want more of it. It was the pleasure of not talking to anyone, ignoring the world. I had all the time to waste and no one to answer to. It’s simple to do, but guilty to answer to.

Looked upon as if it’s poignant, but it’s what saves me. The cold chill of rain, enclosed by my smile and cherishing the moments of solitude. I wouldn’t ask for anything more. I hate answering. Disrupting what time I have, to be spent on things that don’t enforce my person…Right now, it doesn’t want anything but me.

The yellow lines, unreadable print, challenging my feelings. Attractive, to see feelings spelled out against the yellow lines. You cannot hind from those; seeing them scratched alongside of you. The music filling the chill as it was swallowing me whole. There was no torture in feeling those lines, it was remembering the time when it was harder to breathe. Now, its answering to how this came about. What happened to those feelings, they are not surrounding the same things. Is it a new thought, a gesture of what’s to come.

Or more simply, just repeating the same feelings in other words. Describing another viewpoint from what was already said. It’s funny to think what people might actually think of you, honestly, it’s thought about all the time until it’s just me and those yellow lines. So for now, I take what I can and invent excuses to leave things as I want them to be.

Just me, I adored it, want more of it. Cover me in yellow lines. Chill me in daunting music. To see an ideal concept, alone in yellow lines. 

Bringing me alone to the place the reveals me, its like a child's kingdom, promises that need to be kept. Keep me just as I am.

A Once Over

I'm literally just staring.. at nothing. I want to give more but this isn't going as planned. I want to be this big important person that exists, that people hear about and gasp at the mere fact that I constantly try. But honestly, why? 

My conscious repeats itself in the same patterns. Continuous acknowledgment of myself, my being, my actions. Questioning moves that shouldn't matter. Wanting to please everyone. When will I start having silence with what comes to be. What if I am a bitch. What if I can’t write. What if someone tries to pitch in.  

To the many, its nothing. It simple bliss. I want rooms of books overlooking some crowded view of pleasure. I want to reside among the thoughts of words that escape my thoughts. It’s always going to be a dearest thought. None of it makes sense to the many. Sounds distracting. 

Distractions are good while they last, they just don’t seem at add value into what I want. 

Doesn't seem selfish, not after the fact. It actually feels good if I could just ride into my feelings and just say it. Everyone else does. Looking back, I want to do it for me…but I wont. I’ll do it for someone else. They wont even know. Fuck, I don't even know what this is anymore. Merely just thoughts weaving into carbon. 

Does this mean I have no purpose, probably not. I don’t care (but I always will). I’m a jerk, but its who I have become. Now I will just make sure to avoid the feelings until we all get the point. 

I miss blue, I miss being covered. Now being stuck in this constant flat white, its like stealing something that wasn't meant for me. I don’t want it anymore. Remediating the situation just makes me worthless, lazy, simple. I dare not be simple. It up to those judging me, but I still care. 

I don’t know how to end it. Its like it shocks me each time it comes up for advice. I want it focused on me but I want to find the answer for you. This isn't going to happen each time. They will reach to others. I wont have the same perspective of the situation. I will have my preoccupied words. 

I Could Die for You

Growing up I was the tail to my two older brothers, Mike & Greg, and followed in their steps from day one. I specially looked up to Greg. He played saxophone, I played saxophone, he was an altar boy, I was an altar girl, he listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers, I love Red Hot Chili Peppers. On April 22, 2007 when Greg was only 22, he committed suicide. This is still the biggest thing I will ever go through. I will never get past it, nor do I want to.  Going through his loss, I fell deeply into music to help me find a way to breathe. There are many artists that alleviated my pain, but there is one band that I can always turn to when I reflect on Greg, and of course, it would be his favorite band - Red Hot Chili Peppers.

In the album, By the Way, a song titled “I Could Die for You” that just screams how Greg and I are now. From the beginning to the end, the song is simply beautiful and caresses the need to still want my big brother around. I place this song as our relationship in the presence of his death; I still believe he is around listening to me and watching me grow. The song starts with:

Something inside the cards
I know is right
Don't want to live
Somebody else’s life
This is what I want to be
And this is what I give to you
Because I get it free
She smiles while I do my time       

This is Greg talking to me about his suicide and his decision to make things right in his life. Greg was a successful young man. By the age of 22, he purchased his first house, earned his journeymen and owned his own electric company, was getting married, and raising a three year old son. This was a lot for him, and everyone was proud of what an amazing person he has become. These lyrics are symbolic to his life in the moments before death, he knew what he wanted, and had to make it right with himself. The reasons are still unknown. At first I wanted to know, but now I don’t see how that brings him back. Then the first part of the chorus comes in with:

I could die for you
Oh this life I choose

This is my reply to Greg; I mean no disrespect to Greg nor harm of myself. I am letting him know I will always miss his laugh, his smile, his love. But I will choose life, and make him proud. I will prove that I will make something out of my life. Greg will never have to feel regret for doing something he felt so sure about. Because of his death, I have figured out the importance of life and what I want to fulfill it with. The second verse follows:

I'm here to be your only go-between
To tell you of the sights
These eyes have seen
What I really want to do is
Turn it into motion
Beauty that I can't abuse
You know that I'd use my senses to
You can see that
It's only everywhere
I'd take it all and then
I'd find a way to share

Greg then shares his stories from the other side in death. He shares his insights, and in turn gives me the senses that he once had, and the ones he now has. He wants to share his past and present with me, and through this song, I feel connected to him. I am able to feel all that he wants to share with open ears and open arms. Greg continues with the first part of the chorus:

Come along and go
Along with me
Wander with me yo
It's all for free

I do wander with Greg, from songs, to visiting him, to just seeing someone that reminds me of him. I enjoy knowing that somewhere, is he there, looking over me, smiling. I then finish the last part of the chorus, then the third verse, followed by the ending with repeated chorus:

I could die for you
Whatchu wanna do
Oh this life I choose

Come again and tell me
Where you want to go
What it means for me
To be with you alone
Close the door and
No one has to know
How we are

Come along and go
Along with me
Wander with me yo
It's all for free

I could die for you
Whatchu want to do
Oh this life I choose

Here, I am breaking down. I am telling him that the memories are not enough, if he could just come back and share this life with me. I let him know that I too feel unable to finish, scared to have feelings of failure, and its okay to feel hurt. We will be there for each other, to help get through this together. Now more than ever, I feel the need to share with him, help him.

This is for my big brother, Greg Aguiar Chaves. You will forever be in my heart, soul, and mind.

Love always,

Cindy 

Para meu Pai

To the man that cares for me, as he always has. It's the feeling of just knowing he is there. The notion very baby girl has when she falls down for the first time, and he comes running to rescue you. We all have one, whether he is inactive or gone...but it's his laugh, his arms, his dirty boots that you can’t erase.

This is for you, you are more amazing each day, and the stories you say will be for more to come...

Apple picker,

fireman,

solider,

farmer, 

Never would have thought...

The life you’ve walked

It’s the charm, you arm without hesitation

Worker,

Father,

Husband,

His love is as tough as he is,

As long as forever

Gives everything, to cherish your smile

A language as different as he is, with a laugh to last forever..

To him, I owe

Something bigger

Something better

One day he will see me and find himself.

Use the Force

It all started when they broke up, she had a long time to think and decided that she wanted to try new things.

She was set on trying something different, as simple as watching the Star Wars episodes as her summer goal, but before she knew it, summer was almost gone and she found herself back in his arms.

She told him of her summer goal, and the good man he is, he went out and bought it for her surprise.

They watched it together and had a blast, and in the end he asked “Aren’t you glad I made you watch it?” and this made her mad.

He would make jokes and say it was his idea, and she just sat there pissed and just in case he thought he could get away with it, she pulled a Obi-Wan Kenobi on him and lightsaber his ass.