I'm literally just staring.. at nothing. I want to give more but this isn't going as planned. I want to be this big important person that exists, that people hear about and gasp at the mere fact that I constantly try. But honestly, why?
My conscious repeats itself in the same patterns. Continuous acknowledgment of myself, my being, my actions. Questioning moves that shouldn't matter. Wanting to please everyone. When will I start having silence with what comes to be. What if I am a bitch. What if I can’t write. What if someone tries to pitch in.
To the many, its nothing. It simple bliss. I want rooms of books overlooking some crowded view of pleasure. I want to reside among the thoughts of words that escape my thoughts. It’s always going to be a dearest thought. None of it makes sense to the many. Sounds distracting.
Distractions are good while they last, they just don’t seem at add value into what I want.
Doesn't seem selfish, not after the fact. It actually feels good if I could just ride into my feelings and just say it. Everyone else does. Looking back, I want to do it for me…but I wont. I’ll do it for someone else. They wont even know. Fuck, I don't even know what this is anymore. Merely just thoughts weaving into carbon.
Does this mean I have no purpose, probably not. I don’t care (but I always will). I’m a jerk, but its who I have become. Now I will just make sure to avoid the feelings until we all get the point.
I miss blue, I miss being covered. Now being stuck in this constant flat white, its like stealing something that wasn't meant for me. I don’t want it anymore. Remediating the situation just makes me worthless, lazy, simple. I dare not be simple. It up to those judging me, but I still care.
I don’t know how to end it. Its like it shocks me each time it comes up for advice. I want it focused on me but I want to find the answer for you. This isn't going to happen each time. They will reach to others. I wont have the same perspective of the situation. I will have my preoccupied words.
First blue, then white, absence of color, then blue black, where all the colors dwell, as does misery and ecstasy, and the power to contain and to express."I want to reside among the thoughts of words that escape my thoughts." Through the books where you become the other whose life you inhabit now, while you read, through the words of the friend or the thought that goes unsaid. A myriad of thoughts,that expressed become or go in any way you choose. You must choose, thought is conscience, thought is being awake when you want to drown out feelings, thought is a smile when a friend shares your words. I can have grey or I can have life, painful, ecstatic life, with the sorrows and joys, the limitless and unbound mental swirls of thoughts and I chose life! What a dervish dance it has been!
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